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Dec. 22nd, 2007 | 03:08 pm
posted by: nevers in pagesofcups

i never realized how simple it is to make up your own tarot spread. what do you want to know about the situation? assign the questions to the order of cards you will deal. put them in a shape if you want. tada.

things in the past that helped this problem
things that contributed to it
current status
things that will help in the near future
things that will help in the distant future and/or prevent it in the long-term
etc...

huh.
i am not sure if the spread should be divided into "things that help" and "things that hurt" or if it should be left open (e.g. "contributing factors"). i feel like when the spread is vague about whether the card is a positive or negative influence then the interpretation becomes vague to the point of meaninglessness.

hmmmmm.

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(no subject)

Dec. 22nd, 2007 | 02:59 pm
posted by: nevers in pagesofcups

because it belongs here as well as anywhere, tarot reading i just did, asking how can i heal my shoulders?

questioner = 8 of swords. i am intellectually blind/blindfolded, and there are perils nearby, but there is also a way out. i am stuck. i need to see more clearly.

what crosses (helps or hinders) me = 4 of swords. rest and contemplation are helping me in this situation. i have an inner reserve of strength.

what grounds me or is below the surface or what i dread (this card is so hard to interpret, i think that is why a lot of people don't like this spread) = death. fear that a time is coming to an end to make way for growth. this seems likely and true. no more is the time of feeling invincible, of pushing my body and ignoring its needs.

what crowns me (what i hope to acheive) = hanged man. an intentional suspension/break/rest period that results in a new perspective.

recent past = justice. what i got is fair and what i deserved?

near future = wheel of fortune. something good and unexpected will come and i need to accept it. !?

the way i am likely to act in this situation = queen of swords, cold, calculating, smart, intuitive but self-seeking. i don't know about this. it implies that i will hurt others. who, how? is there any way it can be helpful? like i will FIGURE THIS OUT somehow through sheer intellect and force of will?

people around me = lovers. an opposite that i will be attracted to that can help me. i wonder if this is coming via the wheel of fortune, because i can't think of a person who it would be. i wonder if it will be someone who comes into my life organically or if it could be a doctor or bodyworker of some kind who i need to seek out. or a legitimate lover.

hopes/fears = ten of cups. domestic bliss. the card in this position is always meaningless to me. either i say yes i am scared of that or yes that would be nice. so, yes, domestic bliss would be nice.

final outcome = knight of swords. someone who will come into my life and ruthlessly, suddenly change things, but who ultimately is self-seeking and violent, someone whose visit to my life needs to be short in order for me to be safe. ?? i almost wonder if this could be surgery. direct, literally "cutting," authoritative, logical? yikes. not what i want to hear. what else could it be? somehow the final outcome is all logic and reason, no emotions. that seems surprising since right now i'm really trying to explore the emotional side, ahving given up on logic and reason. i can only think that it will have to do with a new doctor, new diagnosis, or new treatment protocol.

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the emperor

Dec. 18th, 2007 | 10:20 pm
location: 58
music: commanding, setting direction, creating order from the chaos
posted by: brickred in pagesofcups

an awkward phone call with my mother: has anyone told my aunt that nobody's coming for christmas? does anyone think there's something wrong with this? do you realize the repercussions when on christmas day, I travel alone to be in the place we have always celebrated, my entire life? how I will leave behind my sister and brother, who inevitably will want to see their cousins, who will want to come with me -- who I will want to bring along -- but cannot?

to this my mother replies, "luckily, I still get to make their decisions for them." this drives an icy wedge between us.

on the opposite end of things, I begin to hear from members of my family as though I am an individual rather than the member of a unit; rather than my mother's daughter. my aunt peggy emails: 'sorry we will miss you on christmas; congratulations on finishing the marathon.' my cousin, through myspace: 'beth, amy, and I want to hang out with you over christmas -- you know, go letterboxing, or get drinks, or paint the town red. call us.' my oldest cousin (the one who, when I was five, locked me in a basement closet) calls and invites me to run a race with him, says he would love to show me his new house, & the renovations. cards from my aunt -- the estranged one -- contain $20s and thanksgiving trivia (complete with a separate answer sheet); I can feel her reach out and I reach back across the miles. I imagine myself a shoelace, and each of them a loop: threading in and out, a long sinuous expanse, becoming the common bond. recreating the things that tie us, if I am not the thing myself.

I feel like one small unsure voice among this ocean.

how can it be that it's I who is the most equipped to understand the consequences of my family's actions and inactions? and yet over and over I can't escape the clarity of it, the way everything spreads in front of me, domino-like. how they frustrate me! does anyone but my mother know that I am in the singular position of knowing how it is on the other end of 25 years? does she even know? that meeting one's estranged family after 25 years is full of gratitude, and despair: gratitude at being given the future with these people, and despair for having forever lost the past? what I want to say so clearly, as clearly as a bell that rings deep into your bones: one day, years from now, when you regret this decision, you will never be able to go back and undo it.

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eight of pentacles

Oct. 9th, 2006 | 02:15 am
location: 25
music: diligence, pursuing understanding, absorption
posted by: brickred in pagesofcups

autumn. I remember a few years back there was a period -- a week, maybe, no more than two -- where I spent every night blissfully reading philip pullman books on my bed, which felt like an island. overhead was my blue globe night, and the rest of the tiny studio was dark. it was chilly. at the foot of the bed there was a case of water bottles. I felt nourished and content. It seemed so simple. It didn't last.

I don't want to accept autumn as my time to lay back under the covers. This weekend I spent most of my time with horses. The judge yesterday, after half a lap, told me I was on the wrong lead. Afterward she asked, 'Couldn't you feel that he was on the wrong lead?' and I grinned and answered that I'd been focused on how my stirrups were two different lengths. She grinned back in understanding. But the truth was, I couldn't tell.

Emily was crying. She didn't want to compete in canter classes. Cappy had taken off faster than she expected while they were warming up and she'd been spooked. I meant to warm him up but time was tight and Lynne put Emily on instead. After her first class, Lynne pulled her off and I rode. I won my first ribbon of the day -- a blue, competing against two or three other riders. Lynne told Em, "You're lucky that you have an advanced rider who can get on and school your horse for you."

Mimi took off with Jenna the other day, apparently, and Lynne said she thought they were both going to go crashing through the arena wall. She's used to barrel racing and gaming, and Jenna is new to riding. She said, it would be good for them if you worked her. I told her that I think I will be able to afford a half-lease.

Life seems too small for everything. How can you have a job that sometimes requires 12 hours of your day, and still have time for yoga and running and horses? And what about writing, and zines, and reading as many books as possible, and still loafing around, and making baked goods, and keeping in touch with friends and family? What about hiking, boyfriends, letters, art?

what I want most right now, though, is horses. flying lead changes, side passes, leg yields. You can only learn so much from books. I still have to stand in the dusty barn and watch the National Show Horse, the Haflinger, the breed stock Paint -- to memorize their conformations, the way their hold their heads. Only riding every day can bring the ease of balance, the slight shift in weight, the drape of leg. Why aren't there 30 hours in each day? And $200 more in each paycheck?

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ace of wands

Oct. 6th, 2006 | 04:32 am
location: 23
music: possibilities, eagerness, self-esteem
posted by: brickred in pagesofcups

today feeling like maybe things can begin again. reinventing my writing life. nanowrimo begins in less than a month, and again I feel strongly the possibility of completing a novel.

zines, poems, projects. I lengthened the stirrups on my saddle and suddenly I am a better rider. this weekend there is a show, and maybe ribbons. by christmas I will have a backpack and trekking poles, and can begin learning how to be a long-distance hiker. I love where I live but a new apartment brings the enticement of starting fresh, making a home.

after this weekend josh said, "you were the hottest I've ever seen you." a relationship between us never worked and never will, but it was delicious to hear him say that. I spent an hour on the phone with rob. he described in great detail what kind of 'first date' we were going to have, after weeks spent joking that we've never been on a date. He said, "I'd like to teach you how to ski," and for once I want to make myself vulnerable, be in the position of the person who knows nothing.

in order to write, you have to let the first draft breathe and be free. over and over I am told but still I have to realize it myself. it is okay to make mistakes. it is okay to sound stupid. it is okay to write about oneself, to repeat and exaggerate. rawness and honesty are best, despite being messy. I don't know how I had forgotten.

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