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eight of pentacles

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Oct. 9th, 2006 | 02:15 am
location: 25
music: diligence, pursuing understanding, absorption
posted by: brickred in pagesofcups

autumn. I remember a few years back there was a period -- a week, maybe, no more than two -- where I spent every night blissfully reading philip pullman books on my bed, which felt like an island. overhead was my blue globe night, and the rest of the tiny studio was dark. it was chilly. at the foot of the bed there was a case of water bottles. I felt nourished and content. It seemed so simple. It didn't last.

I don't want to accept autumn as my time to lay back under the covers. This weekend I spent most of my time with horses. The judge yesterday, after half a lap, told me I was on the wrong lead. Afterward she asked, 'Couldn't you feel that he was on the wrong lead?' and I grinned and answered that I'd been focused on how my stirrups were two different lengths. She grinned back in understanding. But the truth was, I couldn't tell.

Emily was crying. She didn't want to compete in canter classes. Cappy had taken off faster than she expected while they were warming up and she'd been spooked. I meant to warm him up but time was tight and Lynne put Emily on instead. After her first class, Lynne pulled her off and I rode. I won my first ribbon of the day -- a blue, competing against two or three other riders. Lynne told Em, "You're lucky that you have an advanced rider who can get on and school your horse for you."

Mimi took off with Jenna the other day, apparently, and Lynne said she thought they were both going to go crashing through the arena wall. She's used to barrel racing and gaming, and Jenna is new to riding. She said, it would be good for them if you worked her. I told her that I think I will be able to afford a half-lease.

Life seems too small for everything. How can you have a job that sometimes requires 12 hours of your day, and still have time for yoga and running and horses? And what about writing, and zines, and reading as many books as possible, and still loafing around, and making baked goods, and keeping in touch with friends and family? What about hiking, boyfriends, letters, art?

what I want most right now, though, is horses. flying lead changes, side passes, leg yields. You can only learn so much from books. I still have to stand in the dusty barn and watch the National Show Horse, the Haflinger, the breed stock Paint -- to memorize their conformations, the way their hold their heads. Only riding every day can bring the ease of balance, the slight shift in weight, the drape of leg. Why aren't there 30 hours in each day? And $200 more in each paycheck?

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